2016: Folks, You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up!
If you managed to stay relatively sane in 2016, you either weren’t paying any attention whatsoever; or were
heavily self-medicating throughout the year.
Of course, the year was dominated by the American people looking for a new leader – hopefully, something
better than a foul-smelling ointment or a large suppository. The campaign was a never-ending national
nightmare broadcast relentlessly on CNN, PMSNBC, CBS, NBS and ABS.
But that was only one of the many, many reasons why sanity was in short supply in 2016, as Americans also
learned that race relations reached their lowest point since, well, since 2015; and, that the Russians were,
apparently, more involved in our election process than the League of Women Voters.
Americans were bombarded with news of a major new threat to communities (receiving at least as much
coverage as the breakup of Brad and Angelina.) The threat: Clowns.
Did anything good happen in 2016? Well, man buns appeared to be losing popularity, the Cubs finally
ended over 100 years of futility, and, Obummer made his LAST State of the Union Address. That was pretty
much it for the good things.
As this look back on 2016 will reveal, you just can’t make this shit up!
A huge blizzard buried Washington, D.C. Exactly how much snow fell is unknown, because our government
couldn’t manage to measure the snowfall accurately.
Both Hillary Clinton and Ohio Governor John Kasich were endorsed by the New York Times for the
nominations of their respective parties. Kasich’s campaign never recovered.
In health news, the Centers for Disease Control and prevention, responding to the spread of the Zika virus,
cautions Americans not to have unprotected sex with foreign mosquitoes. Meanwhile the Flint, Michigan water
crisis worsens when samples taken from the city’s main water supply are found to contain traces of Taco Bell
Iran seizes two U.S. naval vessels and captures 10 crew members. The incident is particularly
embarrassing because these vessels were docked on Lake Michigan. The captured sailors are released only
after Secretary of State John Fonda Kerry promises the Iranians that he will not deploy James Taylor.
To top off the month we found out that the admiral in charge of Navy Intelligence and one of his deputies
had their security clearance suspended in 2013 because they were under suspicion of corruption. (That
meant the top two guys in Navy intelligence couldn’t be given classified information for two years!)
The month began with news that the Washington, D.C. city council passed a new ordinance that promised
to pay D.C. residents not to commit crimes. About two hundred likely offenders are to be sent to counseling
and then paid about $9,000 a year to not rape, murder, or pillage. The $9k bribe didn’t apply to members of
the House and Senate, because, as several council members said, “The amount is way too small.”
The Iowa caucuses are held, six of which were so close that they had to be decided — literally — by a coin
toss. Hilarity Clintoon won all six – in spite of alleged interference from Russian coin-toss hackers. Seizing
on that momentum, Hilarity loses the New Hampshire primary to Bernie Sanders by twenty points, but
somehow ends up with the same number of delegates.
A lengthy standoff at a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon finally comes to an end when anti-government
militants, after protracted negotiations, are eaten by federally-protected wildlife.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is found dead, causing the nation’s political leaders to observe a
period of mourning and reflection lasting three seconds before beginning the important bipartisan work of not
making any progress whatsoever on a replacement.
The Denver Donkeys win the Super Bowl, thanks to a costly unsportsmanlike conduct penalty called on the
Carolina Panther defense for stealing Peyton Manning’s walker.
February finally ended when Secretary of State John Fonda Kerry was questioned by a Senate committee
about Ibrahim al Qosi, a former resident of Guantanamo Bay who was released in 2012 and is now a primary
recruiter for al-Qaida. Kerry said, “Well, uh, Senator, he’s not supposed to be doing that.”
The Trump bandwagon careened around the nation to the dismay of everyone except voters. Upset by
Trump’s mounting success, people in Washington, D.C. were reportedly turning to psychiatrists and massage
Slick Willy Clintoon, in a speech praising Hilarity’s qualifications to be President, proclaimed that ’Murica
needed to put “…the awful legacy of the last eight years behind us.” The speech came on the first day of
Obama’s trip to Cuba in which he praised Raul Castro for criticizing the U.S. On the second day of the trip, at
a joint press conference, Castro tried to hold Obama’s hand up in his to show their mutual celebration, but
Barry’s wrist was limp and flopped around in Raul’s grip.
The Bathroom Wars of 2016 began over the defining civil rights struggle of the 21st century: who can pee
where? The LGBTQXYZ community insists that people should use whichever bathroom they choose based
not on the gender equipment they were born with but the gender they “identify” with.
Clinton and Sanders are in another tight and testy battle, although Clinton slowly gains the upper hand
thanks to the Democratic Party’s formula for allocating “superdelegates,” which states that 60 percent go to
Hilarity and the remaining 40 percent go to the holder of “the woman card.”
The month, fortunately, didn’t start with a bang. The CIA, testing some bomb-sniffing dogs in a parking lot
crowded with school buses in Loudoun County, Virginia, managed to leave behind a block of C-4 explosive
under a bus’s hood.
Slick Willy was again seen helping the Little Lady’s campaign, reminiscing about the good old days of
1993. “Unlike when I became president, a lot of things are coming apart around the world now.” At the same
time, Mizz Clinton and Bernie were debating which of the two of them was more unqualified to be President.
The Bathroom Wars are fought in North Carolina, and the forces of sanity seemed to prevail. The N.C.
legislature passed a new law that required people to use public bathrooms labeled the same as their gender
equipment. The QLGB-whatever movement immediately tried to call for a boycott of the state, but the debate
over whether the term “boycott” was appropriate (“girlcott”? “itcott”?) quickly overcame the debaters who
retired to the nearest ladies’ room for a good cry.
Treasury Secretary Jacob Lewd announced that Andy Jackson’s face will no longer be on the $20 bill, and
will be replaced by Harriet Tubman in 2020. He’s redesigning the $5 and $10, as well, and has proposed a
new $3 bill with a holographic shifting image alternately showing Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner.
Obama’s Thought Police, in the person of Assistant Attorney General Karol Mason, proclaimed that people
convicted and imprisoned for felonies would no longer be referred to as “felons” or “cons” because the felons
and cons are offended by those terms. Hereafter, they will be referred to as “formerly incarcerated” people.
Nicolas Cage and John Malkovich are reportedly working on a script for a sequel to “Con Air” titled “Formerly
Incarcerated People Air 2.”
Donald Trump locked up the Republican nomination by winning the Indiana primary, driving both Ted Cruz
and John Whatshisname from the race. A new report brought to light a 2015 directive from Army Secretary
John McHugh to all commanders and soldiers that said: “Commanders and soldiers will balance lactation
support and readiness.” This ain’t your father’s army. It’s your crazy Aunt Bertha’s.
The State Department claimed that because Russian hackers had entered its system, it had lost all of Brian
Pagliano’s emails from the period in which Hillary was Secretary of State.
In a medical breakthrough, doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital announce that they have performed
the first successful penis transplant in the United States. The patient’s name — you can’t make this shit up —
As Hilarity’s email drama continued, FBI Director James Comey commented on her claim that the FBI was
doing a “security review” by telling the media that he didn’t know what that was, but his guys and gals were
doing an investigation.
The Master Security company, which holds the contract for Dulles Airport near Washington, D.C. was
discovered to have Mr. Yusuf Abdi Ali, a wanted Somali war criminal, in its employ as a guard.
Hillary Clinton sewed up the Democratic nomination for President and the State Department said that it
would take it 75 years to respond to the Freedom of Information Act requests for her emails and those of her
immediate staffers. State defended this estimate, saying it was “reasonable.”
The Marine Corps voted to leave the Department of the Navy, in favor of becoming a new military agency -
the Men’s Department of the Navy. There was no response from Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, who was
too busy spending Navy funds on “green” biofuels to power Navy aircraft and ships.
The month ended when Bill Clinton happens to find himself in the same airport as U.S. Attorney General
Loretta Lynch, and — as any two people would do if one of them was the nation’s chief law-enforcement
officer and the other was married to the subject of a federal investigation — they meet privately aboard Lynch’
s Justice Department jet. When word of the meeting leaks out, Lynch assures the press that she and Bill did
not discuss the FBI investigation into Hillary’s email, adding, “nor did we inhale.” For her part, Hillary continues
to insist that she never emailed anything classified, and even if she did she actually didn’t, besides which so
did a lot of other people such as Colin Powell and Harry Truman, and this so-called “scandal” is ancient
history from literally years ago that just makes a person sigh and roll her eyes because it is preventing her
from fighting for working families while at the same time being a historic woman.
In sports, Cleveland — in a historic upset — actually wins something.
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