A story appeared in the New York Times leaking that Hillary might let Loretta Lynch keep her job as
attorney general, if she was elected. Coincidentally, a couple of days later, FBI Director Comey held a
press conference in which he recited all the ways Hillary had broken the laws written to protect classified
information from disclosure and concluded that no prosecutor in his right mind could prosecute her
based on that evidence.
The nominations of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were overshadowed by the crowds of convention
delegates frantically racing around the convention halls chasing characters in the “Pokemon Go” game.
Injuries were minor, except for the man who tried to push past Clinton on stage. He is reportedly still
recovering from the beating she gave him.
Asked how it felt to have been picked as Hillary’s running mate, Sen. Tim Kaine said, “It feels like I got
kidnapped.” Kaine spoke through the gag tied around his mouth to a gaggle of Hillary’s media fans.
Mr. Colin Kaepernick, a bench-warming QB for the San Francisco 49ers, tried to save his career by
gaining publicity. He proclaimed that he wouldn’t stand for the national anthem and wore socks to
practice that had pigs wearing police hats on them. The protest merely affirmed the right of every
American to be a complete and utter jerk.
Meanwhile, newly released State Department emails cause some people to suggest that the reason a
variety of dodgy foreign businesspeople and nations gave millions of dollars to the Clinton Foundation
while Hillary Clinton was secretary of state was that they expected — get a load of THIS wacky right-wing
conspiracy theory! — to receive special access to or favors from the U.S. government. Hillary has no
choice but to roll her eyes and laugh in a violently unnatural manner at this latest attempt to use these
discredited smear tactics to prevent her, a historic and lifelong woman, from fighting for working families
as well as working for fighting families.
The opening of the National Football League season provides a much-needed diversion to Americans
who are sick of being bitterly divided over politics and welcome the opportunity to be bitterly divided over
how players respond to the National Anthem.
The Army announced that Pvt. Bradley Manning, who now calls himself Chelsea, would get gender
change surgery courtesy of Uncle Sap.
Meanwhile, Hilarity had a “medical incident” at a 9/11 memorial event. After collapsing and having the
Secret Service throw her into a van, she was taken to her daughter’s apartment, emerging a couple of
hours later to proclaim it was a wonderful day in Noo Yawk.
Mr. Obama was encouraged by scientists’ decision to name a newly discovered species of parasite
after him. It’s a flatworm called Baracktrema obamai.
The most hopeful event of the month was a campaign rally in which former Florida governor Charlie
Crist told his audience that Hillary Clinton was honest. It was almost thirty minutes before audience
Clinton and Trump square off in the first presidential debate, which leads to a national conversation
about an issue of vital concern to all Americans -the alleged weight gain of Alicia Machado, Miss Universe
Samsung announces a recall of all Galaxy Note 7 phones after an attempt to re-brand them as “smart
charcoal lighters” meets with consumer resistance. Adding to Samsung’s woes are reports that some of
its top-loading washers have exploded, although the company insists that the machines are “perfectly
safe when operated using the delicate cycle,” provided that “there are no humans nearby.”
In other technology news, Apple announces the release of the iPhone 7, which is basically the iPhone
6 with the added convenience of not having a headphone jack. The marketing slogan is “It Doesn’t Burst
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is skewered by the lame stream media for reminding
all Democrat voters to be sure to vote on November 28th.
Military political correctness was further institutionalized by the issuance of a 72-page handbook for
commanders that guides their decisions on when and how to enable “gender transformation” surgeries
and such at taxpayer expense. I wonder how much of the defense budget is spent on political
correctness from gender transformation to the purchase of “biofuels” for the Navy, which regularly sell at
about one hundred times the price of diesel and jet fuels.
Toward the end of the month, FBI Director Comey suddenly decided that he’d reopen the investigation
into Hilarity’s email system. This apparently occurred when several agents, examining a laptop shared by
Hillary’s body woman Huma Abedin and her husband — former Dem. congressman Anthony “the Perv”
Weiner, found more than 600,000 emails on the device, much of which were from or to Hillary and her
staff. They were apparently placed there by Russian hackers who had stolen them from Hillary’s
“Clintonmail.com” system. Millions of critical swing voters switch from “undecided” to “suicidal.”
A government report concludes that ObummerCare (“If You Like Your Doctor, We Hope You’ll Like
Your New Doctor”) is going to cost many people a lot more, while continuing to provide the same range of
consumer options as a on/off switch.
In the arts, Bob Dylan refuses to answer his doorbell, forcing members of the Swedish Academy to
leave the Nobel Prize for literature on his front porch.
November began when farmers across America found that their pigs suddenly sprouted wings and
took to the air, many of them wearing neatly applied lipstick. Hell froze over shortly before Game 7 of the
World Series, and the Chicago Cubs won for the first time in 108 years. Those omens had to portend
ominous events, but what they were didn’t clear up until the morning of the 9th.
As Election Day approached, a consensus formed among the experts in the media/political complex,
based on a vast array of demographic and scientific polling data evaluated with sophisticated analytical
tools. These experts, who have made lucrative careers out of going on TV and explaining America to
Americans, overwhelmingly agreed that Hillary Clinton would win in a landslide, and this could very well
mean the end of the Republican Party. The Explainers are very sure of this, nodding in unison while
smiling in bemusement at the pathetic delusions of the Trump people.
Unfortunately, it turns out that a large sector of the American public wasn’t brought up to speed on all
this expert analysis. And so it comes to pass that the unthinkable happens: Donald Trump is elected
president of the United States,
The left immediately blamed Russian hackers for Hillary’s loss. They also blamed the phase of the
moon, the failure of Hillary’s voodoo curses on Trump and ignorant, deplorable voters, the Electoral
College, more Russians, Facebook and, of course, James Comey.
On TV, the professional Explainers, having failed spectacularly to predict what just happened, pause
for a period of somber and contrite self-reflection lasting close to 15 minutes before they begin the
crucial work of explaining to the rest of us what will happen next.
PEOTUS Trump entertained the world by naming his Cabinet, which — for the first time in decades —
was aimed at actually fixing the wreckage created in eight years by his predecessor. He also decided to
skip the daily intelligence briefings, apparently believing he can’t possibly be any smarter.
Perhaps the best news is Trump’s national security team. Trump seems to be most comfortable with
having Marines in charge, and they’ve landed in force. Gen. James “Mad Dog” Mattis will be Secretary of
Defense, Gen. Mike Flynn will be National Security Advisor, and Lt. Gen. Mike Kelly will be Secretary of
Homeland Security. The Alpha Males will replace Obama’s team of cuddly pussycats and will be giving
our adversaries a lot of sleepless nights.
The Electoral College met in its various state capitals and, despite every effort by Russian hackers
and every liberal plea to defect from the results of the election, chose Donald Trump as our next
President. The libs’ pleas resulted in some defections, as some of Hilary Clinton’s electors voted for
Bernie Sanders, Colin Powell, and an Indian activist who wasn’t Elizabeth Warren.
“Whatever” was named as the most annoying word of the year. It shall remain so for at least the rest of
The year ended on a hopeful note: There’s only twenty more days of Obama’s presidency. After that,
the grownups will be in charge for the first time since 2008.