I R A T E  D O G
The Bowmore Oracle Rides Again

The Bowmore Oracle visited last night.

I was in a melancholy mood about the way things used to be –before liberalism infected our government and our
elected officials in Washington D.C. began to believe they knew better than we did about how to conduct our own
lives.   I was trying to find something positive in the way things have turned out.   That maybe, just maybe, there was a
silver lining to the dark cloud of big government.   I was tired of being angry and depressed.   But the Oracle would
have none of it.

The conversation started, oddly enough, about an article I’d read about our nation’s “feels good” social programs like
food stamps, welfare, Head Start, etcetera – you know, the “war on poverty”.

The Oracle immediately contradicted –or perhaps corrected me- by saying “You mean the ‘war of poverty’ instead of
the war on poverty.   Because, after spending trillions of dollars, you have more poor people now than you’ve ever

The Oracle continued.   “As I see it, poverty will never be eradicated because someone, some group of people, will
always have more than someone else, thus making those with less ‘poor’.   Poverty is winning this one.”

Glaring at me, the Oracle said: “You seem to be forgetting the cardinal rule: ‘Government isn’t the solution.   
Government is the problem.’”

As the evening progressed, the Oracle continued its litany of “feels good” government programs turned bad.

“Take education.   Kids used to be taught how to read and write, and do basic math.  No one was promoted to the
next grade level unless they could meet certain, minimum standards.   Those who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) learn were
“held back”, sent to “trade schools” to be trained in a specific area, went into the military, or ended up in reform
school.   After creating a federal Department of Education and spending billions and billions of tax dollars, you don’t
even produce a majority of students capable of writing a coherent sentence.    Didn’t you attend a parochial grade
school, complete with all shapes and sizes of “penguins” (Catholic nuns in black & white habits) who never hesitated
to administer corporal punishment if you acted up or misbehaved?”

“Yes,” I muttered.   “And they also found the time to write a note that I would have to take home, thoroughly
describing my crimes for that day and the punishment already inflicted.   I usually received additional punishment for
pissing off the penguin and embarrassing my entire lineage.”

“And don’t you remember ‘gas wars’?”    Remember when gasoline for your ‘64 Ford Galaxie 500 XL was 10 cents a
gallon?   Hell!   You could sit in the engine compartment of that car and work on the 351 cubic inch V-8 engine.   Then,
your government got involved with minimum fleet MPG requirements and oil exploration regulations.   Now gasoline is
$3.50 per gallon and the engine compartment doesn’t have enough room for one hand holding a flashlight.”

“Your government has even ruined sports!   There used to be winners and losers.   How about your first year in 3&2
Baseball with a real sponsor (The Otten & Sons Egg Company) and real team uniforms?   Sure you scored only
slightly more runs than you had wins -and sucked so bad that you were quickly known as the “Rotten Egg Company”-
but it made you hungry, angry and eager to learn, to improve!   Two years later you were 18-5 and league champions,
complete with individual trophies!   Now, everybody competes and no one even bothers to keep score – because it
damages a child’s “self-esteem”.   Instead of individual championship trophies, everyone gets a ‘certificate of

“Or how about going grocery shopping for those items your dad didn’t grow in the back yard and getting smacked in
the back of your head every time you “misbehaved?”   Remember the approving looks your parents would receive
from other shoppers for ‘giving you one’?   If your mother or father were alive today, they might be in jail on “child
abuse” charges.   That’s MORE government you idiot!!!”

“And what about your Sunday trips to church, leaving the front and back doors open so the house wouldn’t get “too
stuffy” while you were away?   If you tried that today, your house would be empty by the time you got back.”

“Now, your government feels the need to tell you what to eat; what type of light bulb you need to put in your house;
and don’t even get me started on ‘Obummercare’!   I can’t believe you’d even TRY to find something good about a
bigger federal government!!!”

The Oracle was getting angrier and angrier, placing his empty glass roughly on the patio table.   “NOW DO YOU SEE

As he stormed off, the Oracle said “I could go on and on and on with absolutely hideous examples of big government
rotting the very soul of this country!”

Pausing before his exit, he said: “But you’re out of scotch!”

Great.   Now, I have to go back to the liquor store.
August 23rd, 2011