Questions from the Bowmore Single-malt Oracle
I think the Bowmore Oracle is getting tired and cranky. It's starting to answer my questions with
questions of its own. For example: The other day it asked me, in response to a question I had
asked about the "foreign aid" issue: "If all of these "other" countries hate the United States so very,
very much...WHY are they fighting to get in line with their hands out for your money?" I didn't think
much about it at the time (other than it WAS a good question), but the symptoms have been
re-occurring at an alarming pace over the past few days, and finally culminated in today's one-sided,
The Oracle, apparently having max'ed out its tolerance for idiotic questions, asked me - in response
to my simple greeting: "If your "educational" system is such a dismal failure, in such disarray- especially
after billions of dollars have been thrown at it- why don't you try something that you KNOW works -like
maybe those school voucher things?" Then...before I could even attempt a response...
"Which one of your geniuses came up with the concept of SPENDING your way OUT of debt? I mean, if
you can't afford food, why would buy a new oven? Who's in charge of monitoring your civilization's
common sense?" and...
"How can you call someone with a full belly, two television sets, a cell phone, a decent place to live, $200
tennis shoes, Wii and XBox video games and enough 'bling' around their necks to finance the national
debt 'poor people'? Have you ever seen the people in Zimbabwe? They're STICK people, for chrissakes!
They wear leaves and animal skins for clothing! They're barefoot! They eat DIRT off the dirt floors of
their grass huts! And WHY do you still have so many "poor" people anyway after spending so much on
the "war on poverty? EVERYBODY should be a millionaire, by now!" and...
"And why are you all in such a big hurry to levy a tax on something that EVERY HUMAN BEING on the
planet routinely exhales like CO2? Listen, pal...I remember when that volcano on Atlantis went
KABOOM!'. You wanna' talk about carbon dioxide? How about sulfur and molten ash? Try breathing
THAT stuff for a couple of days! What's NEXT? A fee for urination? Why not an excise tax on all
'nature calls'? Let me tell you something...I've been around this planet for a long, long time and it damn
sure doesn't need a buffoon like Al Bore to take care it!" and...
"Reparations? That's like sending ME to jail because my great- great- great-grandfather MIGHT have
stolen a horse in the early 1800's! Or making me pay the dinner bill at a restaurant I've never even been
to!! How the hell's THAT supposed to work? What kind of logic is being employed there? Is this the
same goofball jackass that thinks you can spend your way to prosperity?" and...
"How is it that a woman can go into any doctor's office or clinic and get an abortion and walk out a couple
of hours later without any penalty what-so-ever, but if a man kills a pregnant woman in a car accident
he's charged with TWO counts of vehicular manslaughter?" and...
" Do you seriously have people considering legalizing bad-behavior and then subsidizing the inevitable
consequences? Why not just give everybody $100 a day to buy drugs? How about a $50 stipend every
time they do something really stupid? Ever heard of 'survival of the fittest' ? It's nature's friggin' tool for
cleaning up the gene pool! Don't consider rewarding irresponsibility and then throwing tons of money at
it unless you're going to try to tax it out of existence or help clean the pool!" and...
"If it's NOT socialism, then what is it? Call it whatever suits your fancy, but that smelly lump of dog
"doo-doo" Karl Marx concocted after that last drinking binge of his is STILL excrement from the ass of a
dog! You'd make a special effort to AVOID a steaming pile of it left on a sidewalk, and PITCH A BITCH if
the dog left it on your front lawn, so why would you take a "sample" of it because some Hollywood airhead
or professional politician starting calling it caviar? Speaking of which, how do these northern ends of a
south-bound mule get so 'knowledgeable' about all things from playing a pretend role in a friggin' movie,
" For chrissakes, the ancient Greeks were SO much easier to deal with! At least they understood that
actions have consequences - even if they did dress funny!"
The Oracle continued, non-stop for what seemed like hours. Random wave after random wave of
questions battered the soft soil of my psyche (how's THAT for alliteration, Professor Miller?) until the
Oracle finally exhausted itself out of sheer frustration - out of breath, out of energy and out of questions.
" Gods, I miss Aristotle and Socrates! Especially that bit where they could PROVE to you that you really
didn't exist! It was hilarious! "
I think I'll let the Oracle rest for a while. I'm getting low, anyway.